Infomercial Theory

They say the golden rule for infomercials is:

1)  Convince the audience of a problem they never knew they had.
2)  Provide a solution to the problem that they never knew they had.
3)  Scare them into thinking the problem they never knew they had is worse than they ever thought it could be.
4)  Give them a one-of-a-kind too-good-to-be-true offer that they have to act on right away.
5)  Give them something extra to make the too-good-to-be-true offer EVEN MORE too-good-to-be-true.

I have to admit, I love watching infomercials.  I find them oddly captivating (and usually the acting is absolutely priceless... as in I don't think they paid anything for real actors).

Have you also noticed how there are "regulars" in the infomercial acting world?  I'm like "that's the same old lady who had fell in the tub and needed the suction cup handle to make her safer after washing her feet with these scrubber things that so you don't need to actually touch your own feet, yet also grows her tomatoes upside down, but talks to her grandkids while grandpa listens to the TV using the wireless headphones so as not to disturb her, all the while wearing her Snuggie so she can knit without her arms getting cold!"

But that's not why I write today... I write about the latest trend in the mainstream market that capitalizes on the problem I never knew I had.  The hands free soap pump for home use!

As the commercials point out, "who wants to touch a germy soap pump? EW!"  Now you too can keep your family safe and healthy from harmful germs with the hands free soap pump next to your sink!

Now, I don't doubt that there are germs on the soap pump (well, perhaps I do, but that's another issue)... but what do I do normally when I touch something nasty or germ-ridden?  Wash my hands!  But wait?  That's ALREADY what I'm doing!  What a deal!  So why should I care if the soap pump is germy?  I shouldn't!  That's the point!  It's the perfect problem you never knew you had, coupled with this country's obsession with cleanliness and scaring people into thinking that germs are out to get you!  "I don't want my kids touching that!  Ew!"

I guess there really IS a sucker born every minute...

One more reason I don't like Hallmark...

Greeting cards are a multi-bajillion dollar industry.[1]  You have cards for every seemingly meaningless occasion on the calendar, made-up occasions, congratulations, salutations, animal rehabilitations, or marriage nullifications.  Each of these categories have something for everyone, something funny, something sentimental, something touching, something ornamental.  It's brilliant marketing, I suppose.  Yet with all of these options...

WHY IS EVERY WEDDING CARD SAPPY, TACKY, OR OTHERWISE CRAPPY?    I'm a mildly amusing person, so I want nothing more than a mildly amusing wedding card, but every one you find is so serious and flowery... I just don't understand it!  I've resorted in some cases to re-purposing some creative anniversary cards (which are usually more amusing), or something else.  I haven't yet resorted to giving someone a "congratulations on your impending divorce" card for their wedding[2], considering that would be in poor taste even for me.  :)   All I want is a reasonably mainstream "Congratulations on Your Wedding Day" card, with Snoopy on the front holding a bunch of balloons or something.  Is that so much to ask!?

[1] Not based on any statistics I could find or bothered to look up.
[2] Not that I haven't thought it might be more appropriate at times...